What the freak was I freakin thinking?!? I dont mean the Turks and Caicos vacation part. That decision was pure gold. Some of the best beaches, water, restaurants and hot women in bikinis* on the planet. * - In the miniscule chance she reads this, I am clearly referring only to my lovely wife in her assortment of bikinis. (I think I counted nine. She packs for every trip like shes expecting a Tom Hanksish four-year marooning on a deserted island.) No, Im referring to the legally binding Family Vacation Agreement (FVA) I made years ago with said wife and kids to: 1. Not bring laptop or iPad on vacation.2. Limit blackberry use to five minutes, once a day during vacation.3. Not watch sports on TV during vacation. I know. I am weak and submissive. And Im usually okay with it. I can handle an occasional break from sports (as long as Im on a Jet-Ski, or in an infinity pool with a swim-up bar). But this time I messed up. Usually we take our annual trips in slow season - summer, or during the January-February dog days of the NHL campaign. This time we booked last minute after I realized this hockey season would bleed into the Summer Olympics, which would bleed into next hockey season. So we had to get away now, or I would be the one bleeding (Must thank Turks my travel guru @TamaraAscent for saving my bacon/marriage by booking everything for me). Problem is, I didnt fully grasp the time slot of this trip. Yes, I knew it was the last week of the NHL season. But our TSN schedule was light and I figured I could mass-PVR everything and catch up later. What Id forgotten was The Masters - my single favourite TV viewing event of the year (narrowly edging out "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All," which should really be called "Psychotic Hot Girls in Cocktail Dresses Cannibalize Each Other"). No TV for Masters week? I mean, there is trying to be an available/attentive father/husband, and then theres pure turn-in-man-card stupidity. I believe this crossed me over. Anyway, heres my annual family vacation diary…one mans slow descent into madness (okay not really, but I had to drum up some drama for this thing). DAY 1 -No sign of Paparazzi on arrival at hotel. Miraculously, Ive been able to dodge them on every single vacation Ive ever had. I know, so lucky! -Our resort, the Somerset (beautiful), has a croquet lawn, which captivates my kids so much they go there before the beach. Croquet may have the most unique demographic in sport (wait, sport is a stretch: lawn...gaming?). It is loved by those under 10 and over 70. Im thinking no one else. Anyway, my son keeps hammering my daughters ball into the flower beds. She cries. He forfeits. The whole family tournament is a letdown - much like March Madness this year. -Within 15 minutes of arriving poolside, the kids have ordered something called a Cookie Monster Milkshake, which has real Oreos floating in it. This will become their vacation crack. By Day 3, they are begging for it at every meal. On Day 5, they steal their mothers wedding ring and pawn it to buy another round. Well not really, but I bet they considered it. -My phone is acting up so cant get any scores before bed. Handle the absence any sporting information whatsoever remarkably well. Of course its been 10 hours. Will likely snap by dawn. DAY 2 -Snorkeling. Love snorkeling! Snorkelings motto should be: "Snorkeling, its like Scuba, but with far fewer horrific accidental deaths!" Just a few minutes in, I get embarrassingly excited after finding a remarkable round flat shell with perfectly symmetrical holes. I present it to my daughter like Id found the Lost Ark of the Covenant. She says: "Ahh, Dad, thats a sand dollar." I have some issues with...knowledge. -The munchkins are at the Somersets Kids Club making wind chimes. (My initial male instinct is to chirp my 12-year old son over this, but his chimes turn out to be a beautiful medley of shells, string, and popsicle sticks, and in the right breeze, they sound like the Vienna Boys Choir, bringing me to close to tears. So I elect not to taunt him.) I decide to do laps in the hotels very cool reverse-current lap pool. Set out to do 50. On lap 7, order beer from passing waitress while doing backstroke. At 10, in our hot tub with beer. Her fault. Service too prompt. -By mid-afternoon, the sport blackout thing is getting to me. I pass a guy in a Capitals hat on the beach, and ask if he knows the scores from last night. He says something in Spanish and shrugs. Like every idiotic North American trying to communicate with someone who doesnt speak English, I act like Im playing pre-school charades, pointing at his hat and pretending to take a slapshot. He smiles awkwardly, grabs his child by the hand, and walks away briskly. I later come to the conclusion I may have mistakenly mimed, "Give me your money or I will beat you over the head with a stick." -Briefly sneak on NCAA title game after the family falls asleep early. Its 16-4 Kentucky. Over. Croquet has more drama. DAY 3 -Charter a speedboat from a great guy named Doug Camozzi, who runs a Water-Ski and Wakeboard School/Island Tour company called Nautique out of his oceanfront backyard. (If the United Nations had an International Livin The Dream Scale—which it really should—"Whipping people around the turquoise waters and ridiculous beaches of Turks and Caicos on your speedboat all day" is about a 9.8, just behind "Being George Clooney.") This is confirmed when our boat captain, an amiable Englishman named Sam Small (I dont believe Ive ever used "amiable" before…ever--in blog or speech--I actually giggled a little when I wrote it) tells me he drove Victorias Secret models to a Turks beach shoot a while back. Id be amiable too. Sam tells me he also taught Mary Kate Olsen how to wakeboard. I try for a solid minute to come up with a funny comeback to this tidbit. The best I could do was, "The wind didnt pick her up like a kite?" Skinny Olsen twin joke: circa 2007. Beyond weak. Sam had Mario Lopez out on the boat once, too. Upon hearing this, I lift up my t-shirt and say, "These abs remind you of him at all?" That one was mildly funnier, if you add in the visual that went with it. As Sam gives us the full tour (Iguana Island - more lizards than Wall Street, a shipwreck, amazing snorkeling at the third largest barrier reef in the world) a family of dolphins swims up alongside the boat. Turns out this is the islands one resident dolphin, Jojo, and his current family. Jojo spent the early years of his life in captivity. When he was released, he just hung around Grace Bay, staying friendly with locals and tourists. Hes now something like 35 - ancient - but still goes out into the ocean every year and brings back a new wife. They call him Jojo. I call him Larry King. - While swimming later at another perfect beach, a manta ray starts to circle me, staying just out of reach. Sam says he probably smells the conch we found on the beach. My son believes he said "gonch" and laughs like Sam is Louis C.K. -We end the day by tubing around the calm waters of an inlet. I tube with my youngest daughter, who screams at the top of her lungs for the entire ride. I head home with a headache, feeling sudden empathy for Justin Bieber. DAY 4 -Okay, this is getting silly. I need me some hockey. So with the girls gone early, my son and I break the FVA and sneak about 25 minutes of the morning ESPN SportsCenter. We catch Derek Roys overtime goal against the Leafs, and thats it. Though we do get a 12-minute analysis of Baylors NCAA womens basketball title. My boy is perplexed. "Dad, why doesnt this SportsCenter like hockey?" Simple, yet so profound. I dont dare trouble his uncluttered mind with an answer. -Its a windy day and the waves are up, so I teach the kids to bodysurf. They are too young to understand that this is like getting acting lessons from Streep. For I am one with the waves, once nicknamed The White Dolphin by bodysurfers in Barbados http://www.tsn.ca/story/print/?id=127452 (Yeah, they didnt buy it either.) -My youngest daughter draws an animal in the sand and asks me to guess what it is. I will soon learn this is akin to your wife asking, "Do I look fat in these pants?" You must tread carefully. I guess rat. Its a donkey. She doesnt talk to me all afternoon. DAY 5 -We rent a car and drive to Chalk Sound on the other side of the island, where you can walk out a half-kilometre and the water is barely waist-high.* *Warning to Dan Otoole: still over your head. Turks has the confusing English drive on the wrong side of the road thing happening, and our car is drivers side right, so Im doubly messed up. It goes okay until I make a right into the wrong lane of an oncoming truck, swerving out of the way with about a nanosecond to spare (That would have been an solid diary entry: "Day 5: Played beach volleyball. Had lobster for lunch. Killed family in fiery crash."). -Perhaps still in shock about their near-death experience, family ignores the fact that I blatantly violate the FVA and watch the last 90 minutes of the first round of the Masters. Kate Upton could have been sunbathing naked on our balcony and I would not have looked up. Though I may have tried to move the TV out to the balcony. DAY 6 -My boy and I play an early morning round at the Provo Golf Club. Sean Wilson, a London Ontario boy, is the amiable (twice in one column!) assistant pro. I only have one sleeve of balls so I ask Sean if that should get me through on this track. He hands me a dozen, on the house. Sean apparently knows my game well. The course is terrific. I am not. Though I do stiff my tee-shot on one Par-3, do the Tiger-twirl, and strut off the tee-box admiring the shot while it is still in the air. Problem is, the tee-markers at Provo are conches, and I walk my big toe right into the sharp point of one, causing me to scream like...my daughter on a tube ride. My son laughs like I am Louis C.K. -We hurry back from the course to participate in an Easter Friday "Seaster Hunt" This was the brainchild of the guy who runs the Somerset, the extremely amiable (sorry, getting annoying now) Ulrich Krauer. Ulrich had all the kids paint rocks all week, then had them hidden in the ocean for their parents to find. He even had a trophy built for the family who collects the most rocks, with bonus points if you find the ones your own kids painted. Excellent family fun, except for the pressure. You try having your eight-year-old daughter look at you with her big eyes and say, "Win that trophy Daddy. Dont. Let. Me. Down." So about a dozen Dads and Moms of various shapes and sizes sprint into the ocean with flippers on, looking like some FunnyOrDie parody of the Hawaii Ironman start. I come out of the ocean 10 minutes later with one painted "egg". The winning family, I dont know their names so lets call them, say…The Big Fat Cheaters… somehow bring out seven. My kids stare at me the way Tortorella looks at his players after they take a stupid penalty. Fortunately, Ulrick has chocolate eggs for everyone. And I quickly order a round of Cookie Monsters just to be safe. Because as any good parenting book will tell you, bribing children is the best way to make them forget your failures. DAY 7 -My 10 year-old daughter asks if we can have the free "Confidential Breakfast" again. You know, the one with just the pastries and the fruit. This amuses me more than youll ever know. "Waiter, whats on the menu for today." "Cant tell you." "Wh…what? Minutes later, my son randomly asks if a guy who makes fondue is called "a fondler." We need to consider extra tutoring. -Make the mistake of giving the Banana Boat guy an extra $20 for an "extra-good ride." For the next 35 minutes, He spins us in circles until the waves are bouncing us like the "Best of Wipeout" videos my kids watch on YouTube. Kids reaction: "Awesome!" My reaction: "I think my ass is broken!" -It is the Saturday of the Masters, and the last day of the NHL season, with almost every seed up for grabs. Its also the last day of our vacation, so the family wants to squeeze in more of…everything. I have no shot. But then, mid-afternoon, my youngest doesnt feel well. My wife is worried about sunstroke and figures we better get her inside. "Thats aweso…awful, I mean awful, really bad," I say. "I better stay with her." Boo-Yah! (Or whatever people say these days that is more current than Boo-Yah...I dont even try anymore.) I catch the third period of the Wings-Hawks game on NBC, and almost three hours of moving day at the Masters. I am whole again. DAY 8 -One last morning body surf (my ten-year old shows a lot of potential - strong genetics) and we head home. Kids and wife all had an amazing time, and decide not to pursue supplementary discipline for my blatant FVA violations. -Arrive home in time for all of the Masters dramatics. Then watch about a dozen hockey games in three hours on PVR to catch up. Amazing what you can do when you fast-forward those silly intermissions and pre-games. Wait. Forget I said that. @tsnjamesduthie Josh Mauga Jersey . The game will be made up on Thursday as part of a day-night doubleheader. Tickets for the Wednesdays game will be honoured for the 1:05 p. Dustin Colquitt Jersey . -- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are making a case for saving coach Greg Schianos job with a strong second-half turnaround. http://www.thechiefsshoponline.com/Youth-Knile-Davis-Chiefs-Jersey/ . Bergmann, who came ninth in Bad Gastein a year ago for his only previous top-10 result, defeated Andreas Prommegger of Austria in the final of the single-run format. Aaron March of Italy finished third by beating Sebastian Kislinger of Austria. Travis Kelce Chiefs Jersey . The Denver Nuggets played as though they were already relaxing on a tropical beach. Love started practicing early for All-Star festivities, making six of 11 shots from 3-point range and totalling 32 points, 11 rebounds and eight assists to lead the Timberwolves to a 117-90 victory over the Nuggets on Wednesday night. Derrick Thomas Jersey . The result was a game-winning, power-play goal. Chiasson snapped a third-period tie and lifted the Dallas Stars to a 3-2 victory on Monday night.PORTLAND, Ore. -- LaMarcus Aldridge believes the key to the Trail Blazers early success this season is chemistry. "I think this team is jelling together better than any other team Ive been on," said Aldridge, who had 18 points and 14 rebounds for Portland in the teams 11th straight victory, a 102-91 win over the slumping New York Knicks on Monday night. Nicolas Batum had 23 points, seven rebounds and six assists for the Blazers, who are riding their longest winning streak since they won 13 straight in December 2007. The Knicks are headed in the opposite direction with six straight losses. Carmelo Anthony had 34 points and 15 rebounds. New York trailed by as many as 22 points but pulled to 81-74 on Andrea Bargnanis 3-pointer early in the final quarter. Batum responded with a dunk and Wesley Matthews added a 3-pointer to extend the lead again. Again the Knicks narrowed it, closing to 98-91 after Anthonys jumper and a free throw with 1:47 to go. But Damian Lillard had consecutive jumpers for Portland and that was as close as New York would come. Lillard finished with 23 points. "Were winning ugly and pretty games, like tonight," Aldridge said. "We didnt shoot it great but I thought we made plays down the stretch offensively and defensively. Were just winning different ways right now." Anthony said the Knicks problem is sharing the ball. "When the ball doesnt move, you cant get into a rhythm," he said. "(When the) balls not moving around, that makes it tough for the rest of the team to have fun out there. Right now, were not having fun." The Blazers (13-2) were without guard Mo Williams, who was serving a one-game suspension without pay for his role in a scuffle during Saturday nights 113-101 victory at Golden State. The brawl was touched off by Andrew Boguts elbow to Joel Freelands jaw. Williams, Matthews and Warriors reserve Draymond Green were ejected from the game. The league on Monday fined Aldridge $45,000, while Matthews and Green were both fined $20,000. Bogut was also suspended without pay for a game and will sit out Golden States game against New Orleans on Tuesday. On the same day that the discipline was handed down by the NBA, Aldridge was nnamed the Western Conference player of the week.dddddddddddd Aldridge averaged 22.5 points, 10.5 rebounds, 2.5 assists, two steals and 1.75 blocked shots in wins last week against Brooklyn, Milwaukee, Chicago and Golden State. He had had 30 points and 21 rebounds against the Warriors. Monday nights output gave him his seventh double-double this season. The Knicks (3-10) were without starting guard Raymond Felton, a former Blazer, for a fourth game because of a sore lower back and left hip. And centre Tyson Chandler remains out of New Yorks lineup with a broken leg. The Blazers took off on a 12-0 run to take a 22-12 lead with just under five minutes left in the first quarter, capped by Matthews layup. Batum hit a 3-pointer to end the quarter and give the Blazers a 34-18 lead. Matthews hit a 3-pointer to give the Blazers a 44-22 lead midway through the second quarter after a 17-4 run, and Portland led 56-39 at the half. Amare Stoudemires layup with four minutes left in the third quarter pulled to Knicks to 71-61. But the Blazers responded and Aldridges rebound 3-pointer that extended the lead to 79-63. "One of the things weve been concerned about was how weve started games, especially defensively. I was really pleased with the way we set the tone in the first quarter, particularly on the defensive end, and we maintained that throughout the first half," Blazers coach Terry Stotts said. "Were a little disappointed we let them get back in it, but New York has a lot of talented scorers and 3-point shooters and we made a few mistakes." New York was coming off a 98-89 loss at Washington on Saturday. Anthony says his frustration is at an "all-time high." "Ive worked my butt off to get in tip-top shape and to be able to compete at the highest level," he said. "To work that hard and to be losing like we are, its not a great feeling." NOTES: Portland has won 11 of their last 13 against the Knicks in Portland. The Blazers swept the season series with New York last season. ... It was Portland coach Stotts birthday. ... The Blazers have scored at least 90 points in each of their first 15 games for the first time since 1993-94. ... The Knicks last lost six straight from March 4-12 in 2012. cheap nfl jerseys ' ' '
